We make sacrifices for our kids because we want it to count. But how often do we consider how our children might think back on this time?
What is your vision for the Parenting Legacy you want to create for your children?
In this preview of How To Create Your Parenting Legacy Blueprint, Mykal will be sharing:
– The Top 3 ways we unnecessarily complicate our parenting legacy
– Why Perspective is the ‘Missing Link’ of Parenting
– What we get wrong about the art of preserving their childhood memories
– The ONE part of the parent-child experience that is yours to keep (*hint: its not what you might think!)
You will get a much clearer vision of the Parenting Legacy You want to create, and a better understanding of what needs to happen in order for you to make it happen.
Tobin Slaven 0:00
This is Book of Experts TV and I'm your host Tobin Slaven. I'm excited to be back because today we are talking about legacy. Now we've done episodes before we we've talked about different forms of legacy. For example, we've had experts who have come on and talked about putting your legacy in the form of a book, writing that book that you're going to leave for future generations for your family to create that book and that experience to capture your personal story. But today, we're going to be specifically talking about parenting, and the legacy that we leave with our loved ones, and what that relationship is going to become, because, you know, they're only children for so long. And there is a relationship after that period of time without doing their own thing. I read this statistic the other day, 91% of the time that we're going to spend with our children happens before they're 12 years old, all that time that we spend the hours and hours that we spend with them, because by the time they're 12, they then they become teenagers, they want to do stuff with their friends, and then all of a sudden, they're out of the house. And they're only coming back on vacations and for holidays and things like that. So what kind of legacy are we creating with our loved ones? So let me bring on our guest, Mykal White, welcome to book of experts, TV, I'm so excited you have an event coming up, which we'll talk about that event is tonight. And so I want to make sure people know that upfront, they're going to get the information, I'll get you guys the link, but parenting and creating that legacy and the relationships that will continue to live on. Why are you doing this work? How did this work call to you?
Mykal White 1:33
Oh, man, oh, first of all, thank you so much for having me. I think I've been as excited about having this time with you as my event tonight. So thank you very much for having me. So why does I call to do the work? The answer to that is, I can't think of any other work that could matter. as much. Right? You need it, you hit it perfectly on the head, when you said 91% of the time that we get with our children is before their 12th birthday. Which is precisely why I do the work, because so much of the stuff that really matters about this little time that we have with them while they're still children becomes lost sort of this big picture of getting them raised. But then of course, when they're raised, they're sort of here in this reality that we're waking up to every single day. And I think that we can forget that. A lot of the times while we're using them.
Tobin Slaven 2:29
I see this played out in the lives of friends and family members where I sometimes you will see a parent child relationship or adult child child relationship where they're like best friends. I mean, they look like they've been friends, their whole life, mother daughters that, you know, just continue to talk every single day, multiple times during the day, for example. And then other folks where there's this distance that's been created this friction that happened earlier in life and seems to carry over maybe even resentments, and you know, emotional grievances and all these things. What, well, what is going on in that case? And I think where I want to go with this, Michael, is, you have a personal story that you just you told me about this experience that you had with your daughter that really drew you down this road to do this work. And I think that brings a lot together for people to know what we're actually talking about here.
Mykal White 3:26
Oh, yeah, absolutely. So that is the question, right? It's like what happens. And that's one of the things that occurred to me really, really early on with my daughter was, as parents more or less, especially as mothers, but we start off in the same exact place, right? In love with our babies wanting the best for our babies and worrying about them. And we all sing together. And we all watch the same terrible shows over and over and over and over and over again. Right? We all do these things. So at what point does it change? Why are there so many different outcomes by the time that that child is an adult, right, and that the parent is experiencing them in that way? And for me, the answer came when my daughter called me out at three o'clock in the morning, one Saturday on a Saturday that I really was looking forward to sleeping in, like really looking forward to it. So she really timed that one perfectly. Yeah. And she woke me up and was just like unflappable. She didn't care that I was pissed. And she didn't let me know we needed to talk. And what it came down to was her telling me We need to talk but you've been dropping the ball. And I was just like, excuse me What? And so just to kind of bring that story to a close. I was devastated. But so that that was a conversation that just like broke my heart. At first and then later, I remember going back to my daughter and I was just like, Do you realize what what that just was what we just did? And she's like, No, I'm like, you came to me. I think she was 11. And I'm like, you came to me, he woke me up. You said what you needed to say. You laid it all out beautifully. You stuck to what your points, no matter how angry I became, but I listened. And I said, Do you realize that the biggest problem between parents and their adult children, it's just the unspoken resentments the conversations that we never had, and now we don't know how to start having them. And it's just awkward. And even if we try, like, our parent is gonna tell us to grow up or get over it? Or like, what are you doing? You're 35. Like, go get a life. Like, really, you're right. And they're feeling that we're ungrateful, and we're feeling that they're, they don't get it and, and it's just like this thing, right? And it's like, lingering under all the birthday parties and all the Christmas dinners and all the stuff. So we get to have those conversations now and in real time, because of some of the things that I that I'm excited to talk about at my event tonight.
Tobin Slaven 5:59
Mykal, what were you doing before that convert that hard conversation that I think it's Tim Ferriss says that the quality of your life is determined by the number of hard conversations that you're willing to have? in it seems like your daughter grasped that idea to at 11 years old, that's amazing. Which I think speaks to something that you were doing with her and the relationship that you were creating. Before that What were you doing? And were you conscious of it at the time? Or did this just sort of develop organically?
Mykal White 6:30
Um, so that's the funny thing. There is something I've been doing, which I'll talk about at the event tonight, but I thought it was all I thought all the benefits of what I had been doing all in the future. Right? So I'm like, Oh, sure, she'll have these things. And I'll be able to convert these, these lessons into assets for her future. And it wasn't until that night slash morning that I realized, oh, wait a second. It's the ways that I've been held accountable to being the parent that I said, I want it to be that now she can call me out and actually say to me, Well, Mom, you always told me that this was the kind of mom you want it to be. And you're not being that. And so I'm calling you out. So it happened both organically. But absolutely, because of a tool and a process that was in place.
Tobin Slaven 7:17
Mykal, you mentioned a couple times the the event that you're doing tonight, which is creating your parenting legacy, I'm going to grab the link and I'm going to put this in the there's an event bright link. So I'll put this in the comments. But can you tell us a little bit about what are you going to be doing at the event? And who More importantly, who is this right for who should be thinking I need to make sure I don't miss this?
Mykal White 7:38
Absolutely. So this event is right for parents. So first time mothers, first time fathers, new mothers, new fathers, those that are raising small children, but also those whose children have already grown up, as well as those who don't have kids yet, but it's part of their plans. What I'm looking to do is, instead of having these separate rooms, right? Well, I can only be part of this room, if my kid is three, or I can only be part of this room, if I'm a new mom, there are there are elements to parenting, and this whole bit that everyone really should have a voice in because even before we're parents, we started as daughters, and we started as sons, right? So it carries weight with the things that we're going to be talking about the event as far as what we're going to be talking about. We're just going to be framing parenting in a in a very real and refreshing way. And for some, it will allow them and it will sort of shift and maybe elevate the relationships that they're having with their their small children today, or their adult children. And for those that don't have children, my hope is that they they're able to look at their parents a little differently and understand them a little differently than before they came.
Tobin Slaven 9:02
I feel like this conversation is has been waiting for us all year long, we were coming out of the pandemic now. We've had families that had been on top of each other basically in you know, closed spaces, sometimes to small spaces. And it's created a lot of a lot of different dynamics, not all of them bad. In some cases, people have been closer and tighter and learn to depend and trust one another more than ever before. In other cases relationships have freed and and it's it added a level of tension that was at a breaking point already, honestly. So people are coming off a year. hard hard year. Yeah. And so I think there may be more open and ready to sort of look at the status of some of these relationships than ever before. What What was this past year like? What What were you thinking about consciously intending to do, as we've gone through this sort of pressure Third time as families um,
Mykal White 10:05
I mean, I've had so much fun with my daughter, I'm not going to we've, like we've had so much fun everything from turning my my little green screen thing that I ordered into like a silhouette things we can do like the silhouette dances and like have the green screen. Whatever, too. We just had so much fun. We've watched entire series, we've been series together like I pick one, and then she picks one. We always have really good time. Endless endless hours of Uno. But we've just gotten closer, we go for walks all the time, we'll just go for a walk. Sometimes we're our favorite is in the rain. But the thing that I think has been really interesting about the pandemic is what a blessing it's been, but only if you're looking. It's been a blessing, right? So everyone called it Oh, it's the great reset. But it's not though it was the great interruption this now this rebuilding is the reset. So what it gave us was time to say, I don't know this thing that I've been doing or this this life I've been waking up to every day, I didn't have a second before to take a breath and ask myself like, I know is this still the life you want to be waking up to every day? Right? Maybe we're just so caught up in the grind. This gave us time to say, Are you happy, or that relationship that you don't have with your son. I know it's awkward, but you kind of have time right now to figure it out. And it'll be so much easier now than it will be in another five years. 10 years, 15 years. If you even get that then right time is promised to no one. So I've looked at the pandemic as an enormous blessing. It makes me sad about the ways the world has changed that we probably won't touch again. But I think that we had gotten to a point where we all had become very entitled even to connection we had become very entitled to simple pleasures. And I think we needed we needed to be checked on it. And we were so that's my thoughts on on that what this year has been but yeah, it's been. It's been it's been a year, it's really been a year.
Tobin Slaven 12:11
And do you feel that in these moments and experiences that you create with your daughter? That she is consciously paying attention to the importance of these moments as well? Is that part of what? As you guys were sort of processing and spending these you mentioned 70 on playing uno, watching binge watching TV going for walks? Like all these things? Would she voice that as well? Or is this
Mykal White 12:35
weaponized? Oh man, she's weaponized it now she says you're missing my childhood, for everything for everything. You're missing my childhood. I'm just like, okay, you're 16 Yeah, that's what she goes for anything if I'm like, hold on one second rice, and we just finished talking and she's just like, wants me to look, she's like, fine, but you're missing my childhood.
Tobin Slaven 12:57
I think she's learned to push your buttons, I think she's learned. But so so it sounds like in this process of creating legacy, it is. I'm gonna voice this I'm not sure these are the right words, you can I'm going to take a stab at and you can clean this up afterwards. It seems like creating awareness on our part as parents and awareness on the part of our children of what's actually going on here in this dynamic with with us, and let's fashion a life together, they will want to continue on. So this doesn't have to be just a period of your life, you turn 18 you go off and you do your own thing. And we're kind of you know, I think that's, you know, holding my heart because I think parents always struggle with that, you know, when when the children fly the nest, so to speak that that can be it's a hard transition. I've seen a lot of people go through it and it's hard. But this seems like it's intentionally creating a different trajectory.
Mykal White 14:00
Absolutely. So intentionality, I would say is the word and not to take like a weird term. But you know how whenever someone dies, what does everyone say? Oh my gosh, it's just life is so precious. And it just really shows you that you have to and we say this every single time someone dies, but you never see those people literally running to phones like you never see on the news. People just on their phones like mom I love you dad, I love you cousin I love you person I haven't spoken to we say it and we forget it. We say it, we forget it. So in a similar vein, if you bring up technology and we bring up distractions and we bring up just how insanely busy and full Our lives have become and then we're like kids, you're gonna get responses of like, I know, that's me, but we're not really doing anything to change it right and that all in all the while underneath that our kids are growing up every single day that 91% is still that 91% right. So it is about The life that continues on but it's about parents remembering that this future, it's not some faraway thing where it's like this different island that we're bringing them to like that future includes us also, and we forget, well, what do we want that future to look like for us, and it can't just be us sitting in, you know, sitting, sitting in a in an auditorium for the graduation, right? It can't be that it can't be us, watching them receive an award, it can't be those moments or visiting the baby. It has to be like all the day to day, what is the day to day look like? And I think we forget to consider it. And so we don't plan for it. We don't prepare for it. We don't build in that direction. So it is about intentionality around, not only the parents that we decide we want to be we decide is important to us to be. But being intentional about the exchanges that we have with our children being intentional about where our AI is trained, right? We're all bragging about how smart our kids are, yeah, they're all smart. They're all smart. It's like a whole generation of smart kids. And when you consider how competitive school is now, and you consider how competitive the workforce is now, it's just, it's less impressive. It's like, Okay, well, they're all fake. So where do we all where does this all go? We're all competing, we're all smart. Where does this all go? It has to be about more than that. Right? So remembering that it's about more than that is what I'm saying. This is all about
Tobin Slaven 16:31
it, and how do you balance this? I'm going to use this term blueprinting. So the intentionality, the planning, the intentionality of having a plan for this, these, these important relationships? How do you balance that with? I'm also hearing a lot of be in the moment and enjoy these these Yeah, well, acid moments that you have while you have them, because the none, none of them are guaranteed. How do you how do you balance the two of those? Because they're two? It's a creative tension right there. They're on either end of the spectrum, so to speak.
Mykal White 17:05
Well, yes, except until now. So it was a balancing act until now. And that's what I'm so excited to talk about.
Tobin Slaven 17:15
Okay, you're teasing us on this one. I am. For folks, for folks out there that will so just reiterate, if you missed this earlier, you are tonight you're hosting, it's a two hour experience. We I've already put the link in the comments. I'll do that one more time, just to make sure folks don't miss it. But that is creating your parenting legacy, which is the name of the event that you're you're facilitating tonight. Who are your role models? How did this How did you? What What were the experiences that you had that created the Michael today that could be doing this program with others.
Mykal White 17:56
So my mother was the sun in my sky named my company nunda. That was the nickname that I gave her when she became a grandmother. So nunda was the I used to I remember staring at her as I would stare at her many times as a child. And I would not be fully convinced that like she wasn't from some other world like she was a human, but like there were elements that like just didn't make sense. So I would just be like, who What are you Who are you I remember just staring at her as a child. But the wisdom, the wisdom that was hers to share was unbelievable. And I don't think I ever could have had enough time to just soak it in. And it's one of those things. She was such a role model that now that she's gone, she's been gone for almost four years now. But now that she's gone, every argument we had every moment where we didn't speak right and pick up the phone with a lost opportunity, I could have learned something else I could have gotten more like she was incredible.
Tobin Slaven 19:04
And so beautifully said, I want to pull on a question. So Jennifer has shared let me bring this up on screen. She said, I'd love to know, what are some of the spiritual and emotional aspects that you've seen to be helpful and in that in creating that parenting framework?
Mykal White 19:20
So, um, I mean, I would have other questions, but I would say the simplest way to answer this question Jennifer would be it's really important that you be who you are. Right? So parenting books are amazing. And courses are amazing. And all those things are amazing. And we can try to be better but at the end of the day, you can only be Jennifer and you can only move forward with just as much as Jennifer has learned at this point in her life. So it's about parenting from that place where you are right now. But with the best version of yourself in mind as sort of your guide and using that as your guide. And that's and that's part of the work that I do. But whatever your spiritual or emotional aspects, whatever the things are that you hold dear that, be that be exactly who you are.
Tobin Slaven 20:16
So bringing the full full force of our backgrounds and what created us as individuals into each moment in each conversation that we're having,
Mykal White 20:25
because it's there anyway, right? So whether or not you point out that there's milk filling the room, if you just like, let's ignore it, the milk tonight here, the milk is still there. We're traveling and we're walking in it was color. So let's just acknowledge the milk. And let's just keep moving forward.
Tobin Slaven 20:43
Mykal, I'm going to make sure we get the link in one more time. Let's do this with the comments. Any last thoughts? Again, folks, this so your chance, if you want to continue this conversation would be to jump into the event tonight? It's not there's no cost. This is the event bright link to register. But there's no cost for this as two hours creating your parenting legacy with Michael white. The link in the comments there. What else do folks need to know? Before we wrap up here today?
Mykal White 21:14
You're going to want to bring a pen and paper and maybe a glass of wine?
Tobin Slaven 21:19
I will I like that addition as well. It's it's in the evening hour. So 6:30 to 8:30pm Eastern Standard. Yes. Yes. That sounds about right for a good glass of wine with with the thought process here. Mykal, I so appreciate you taking the time to share what you're doing. Also your personal story, from your daughter to yourself. You know, the lines through your family, this red thread that that has gone all the way through your family to be able to share those stories. And looking forward to joining you tonight here more so much for having me. I'm excited. I'm excited to see you later, too. Yes, this has been great. Folks. Again, make sure you grab that link in the comments, and we'll see you for our next episode of book experts TV. Thanks, everyone.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
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